Valentine’s day is over. Now, all that’s left are the poor clearance animals. We all know it’s a filler holiday, but these poor cotton mammals missed their chance. What hope did any of them really have? These guys take over the store shelves just after Santa’s elves and many of them seem less love related and more a question of our understanding of love.
What can a stuffed kitten left over from Valentine’s day looking at its flesh passerby with weirdly polyester pouty face tell us about the modern state of love? All the stuffed animals that found new homes appear to be the non-weird ones. Why don’t we like the weird ones? Here are the four types of animals that now make their home in the clearance section of my local Walgreens.
- Pouty, Sad or maybe Guilt: This poor guy’s whole life is devoted to a weird brooding process, if he is a vampire at least you can say “Look, its Angel missing Buffy!” but all I see are sad puppies that look like they just saw their favorite poodle mating with the mastiff next door.
- Excited, Serial Killer Happy: These guys look like the heart they have pulled to their chest was just removed from their stuffed neighbor. Their teeth might not be pointed but you know they would rip through flesh easily.
- I am about to get laid or I just got laid: This seems to be the most common face. The smug grin screams “I will get you some, but you have to let me watch.” He is just creepy enough to record your sexual escapades and post them on YouTube.
- Dumb, what holiday am I for?: These guys are simply confused. Maybe they wanted to be Christmas animals and were deemed not cheery enough, now they display our sense of confusion towards the topic of love.
At least these guys were never taken to a new home only to be tossed in the trash. They will be stuffed in a corner until next year. I just don’t have enough room, or money, to take home all the weird ones. Is there is a charity to help them?