How to please my Mother

As their children grow up, parents have high hopes for their offspring. Whether is it to add to their ego, or be forgiven for their sins, parents try to mold and encourage their children to be successful adults. Engineers want their children to be intelligent, artists want their children to be creative, my mother just wanted me to be as weird as possible.

I blame my mother.
I blame my mother.

Ok, it is possible she was not actively trying to raise me to be a weird adult. However, reflecting back she was more likely to encourage any odd behavior, rather than any sort of good grades. Who else had humorous shouting matching with their teen daughter in the Wal-Mart bra section? Maybe she already assumed I was intelligent(probably not) and feared I would be boring too.

More evidence of my theory lies in my mother’s favorite story from my childhood. No, it is not a story about how cute I was, or how smart, it is a story about me getting a cotton ball stuck up my nose for 6 months, at age six. One of my earliest memories is her, and a doctor, questioning me as to why there was a cotton ball in my nose. During the questioning, my mom did not seem embarrassed, or worried for my sanity, she seemed proud. The least she could have done was worry that my habit of smelling everything would turn into a dangerous drug problem!

Even as an adult, my mother still encourages me to be bizarre. To an outsider our conversations would feel like a step into a cat themed wonderland, with just a touch of raunchy goodness. A recent conversation about the logistics of various animal’s testicles would be a good testament to our collective oddness.

Together my mother and I have proven that being a crazy cat lazy can be passed on. I am allergic to cats, yet I refuse to live without one. As I child, I can remember having so many cats only my mother knew all their names; I just called all of them tiger or tigger, maybe I was not the most creative kid.

In the end, the way to please my mother is through insightful, but slightly off collar conversations. She would also be happy with any conversation about odd things my cat is doing, but her cats are always more odd. When confronted with allegations that she raised me to be a weird adult, her response is that I have always been odd and that she had just adapted to me. Lies!

I have always been told I have a bizarre relationship with my mother. She is way more interesting than any reality TV show, and even though I have been grown for a rather long time, I still manage to learn things from her. If any TV producers out there are looking for the next big thing in reality TV, just talk to my mother. She will find ways to amuse and scare you.

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