Dear Fox News personnel,
I did not realize I was so important in your day-to-day life that I affected you negatively. Being Pagan, I strive to live a peaceful existence, but it seems that I have been unsuccessful. After suffering in sorrow for my sins, I feel I must apologize for the ills I have caused you and your viewers. I will work more diligently in the future to push myself further into the background, for your viewing pleasure. I apologize.
– I will work harder to lessen the amount of Pagan sex orgies that I unknowingly make you participate in. Also from now forward, I will not be offering my sex/sin pill to you. I was uninformed that preventing pregnancy would induce a sex extravaganza that all people would feel obligated participate in. I apologize
– I shall think twice before I unknowing cause the human race to devolve due to my beliefs in protecting the environment of our home. When all the clean water is gone, I am sure you will provide plentiful amounts. I apologize
– I will work harder to prevent the spread of the Pagan induced homosexuality. My aspirations for worldwide love and peace must have been too intoxicating. In the future, I will be more specific as to whom people may love. I apologize.
– I shall no longer stand in the way of your science. I was too caught up in the technical advances of recent days that I unknowingly neglected the advances you have provided. I am confident your approved scientists will be able to rebound from this slight to provide us with ample insights in evolutionary science. I apologize
I would like to reiterate my apologies. Next time I show myself in public, I will ensure my scarlet letter is larger so you may be sure of your target when you throw stones. Please know that you are in my heart and that I will light a candle to aid in your healing process. Also, if you could provide a specific manual for life, I find too many are currently in circulation. One can get confused when given the opportunity to choose one’s way of life and taking away that confusion seems to be your purpose. Once again, I apologize.
-The Born again Pagan.